There are some days that I feel so indecisive that I just want to break down and cry.  Today was one of those days.  I have no clue why this happens to me, but I notice it happens on days that I’m more anxious and in the days preceding that time of the month.  

 

I was at the mall today and was trying to decide which underwear I wanted to buy.  I stood there and stared at all of my options for a good 15 minutes before finally deciding.  And even when I decided, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was content with my decision.  

Before I went to the mall, I felt frustrated deciding what to wear, and when I got there I wanted to tear my hair out trying to decide what I wanted to eat.  

Later on, I had to change for a date I had.  My mom had to help me pick out my outfit otherwise I would have sat on my floor in my towel and cried instead.  

I have NO clue why this happens to me.  I feel so frustrated even thinking about this.  When I’m trying to make a decision on days like this I get so irritable, and my head hurts and feels like there is a ton of pressure building up inside of me.  

 

Does anyone know why this happens?  Or at least, does this happen to anyone else?  

Forever indecisive, 

Jenna 

Vyvanse.

The hunt for the perfect dosage is on again. It’s time to go up (hopefully for the last time) on my Vyvanse (aka slow-releasing adderall).

Please let this be my number.

Exercise

I need to workout. My doctor says core workouts would improve my health a ton, especially with my POTs. He says that it will help blood flow where it’s supposed to be, but of course I have intolerance to physical activities…

What do you guys do to workout? I’m completely lost here. Everything I try makes me feel sick. 😦

Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!  Holidays always have me waking up feeling excited for the day that follows.  🙂

I usually go down to the town lake with a group of friends for the fireworks and festival they hold every year, but it just wasn’t happening for me this year.  I’m okay with that though.  I didn’t want the same events as the past years to play out this year, so I decided to take it easy and relax instead.

I remember 2 years ago (prior to my diagnosis), I went to the town lake with my friends and walked around the outdoor concert and food stands.  I felt that heat beating down on me and I chugged water down in an attempt to feel better.  We laid out on a blanket in the grass, and I remember everything being wavy and my head feeling light.  My friends thought I might need to eat a bit, so we went to wait in the insanely long lines.  I stood in that line for about 15 minutes, and right when I was the next one up to order, my stomach started churning and I ran to the side behind a boulder and threw up and dry heaved.  I collapsed to the ground, and my friends came running over to me and called my parents.  I had to go home before the fireworks even started.

Looking back on it, these are all my symptoms of a “POTs attack”.  I didn’t know it at the time, and I remember feeling incredibly frustrated.

Last year was similar, so I decided to lay low this 4th.  My wonderful friends and cousin came by the condo I’m staying at currently and we made bracelets and watched some fireworks for a few minutes from the balcony.  Then we watched “How I Met Your Mother” and gave each other life advice and shared some laughs.

Don’t worry, I still had some USA spirit!  I wore red, white, and blue from head to toe.  🙂

Hope everyone is doing alright and had an exciting and safe 4th of July!

XOXO,

Jenna

With every day that passes, it all feels

With every day that passes, it all feels more and more real.  It wasn’t so long ago that I was sitting in my elementary school hallway with my best friend, having my father read “Clifford, The Big Red Dog” to us.  We would beg him to stay longer, even though we were supposed to head back to class, and he would find a nice spot around the corner to read one more book to us.  

And it feels like just yesterday that same girl and I were stuck in traffic exiting the Taylor Swift concert, talking about how in just a few months, we would be officially college students.  I remember we looked at each other in silence, and just shook our heads in disbelief.  

I have registered for classes, chosen my major, and have gone through every advising I could possibly go through.  I even have been assigned my dorm room and hall.  It’s all moving so rapidly; I don’t even have time to soak it in.  

A few months ago, I had decided that I wasn’t going to live on campus.  But after long discussions, tear fests, and late-night racking of my brain, I have come to the firm decision to at least try to live on campus.  I mean, I am provided with the best dorms on campus at Barrett.  I got registered with the Disability Resource Center and they have done and will continue to do incredible things to help me feel at ease throughout my college experience.  They even put me in my very own room so that I can relax and cool down when I’m not feeling all there.  And even better, I share a bathroom with my best friend, and she will always be willing to lend a hand on those days.  

Things seem to be falling in place, we went shopping for decor and had no issues deciding on a color scheme, we’re both the same major, and I actually think I’ve gotten some great professors.  

But my God… I’m nervous.  

I’ve never been good with being away from home, and more specifically, from my mother.

It has been something I’ve struggled with for my entire life, and probably will continue to for the rest of it.  There is no doubt that I improve with every single day that passes, but I hate change. Especially change that involves being away from her and home.  

This whole summer I have been working on being away from her and home, just to try and adjust for University.  (This is partially why I have been MIA lately).  I’ve been staying at my cousin’s condo while he is out of town frequently (where I am right now), and I have been staying at friends’ houses as well.  These, though seemingly simple-sounding, are HUGE hurdles for me to have overcome.  It wasn’t too long ago that I could barely spend a full day away, let alone upwards a week.

But last week I took the plunge.  I never thought it would be that hard.  My boyfriend and I decided to travel to San Diego for 4 days and 3 nights.  I was so excited and not nervous at all. After all, close to nobody calms my nerves like him.  

We drove there with no issues, and we hit mission beach and laughed and ate and simply had a blast.  But then as evening fell, and we hit those California Highways, tears started streaming down my face.  They wouldn’t stop.  Nothing I did worked, and it hasn’t felt that bad since I was younger.  Not even Zach could calm me.  We got to the wonderful hotel and I curled up in a ball and sobbed for hours.  I felt horrible for being such a downer, which only made me sob more.  I was panicking and hyperventilating.  I called my mom and we talked for a while until I calmed down.  In my mind I just kept thinking, “I wanna go home.  Please let me go home.  I can’t do this.  I’m not ready.  College isn’t right for me, I can’t move out.”  

I felt better for a little and then it started again.  This was the cycle for the entire night.  

But I got through it.

It was sadly one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  But it was also one of the only times I really forced myself to do something I didn’t want to go through with.  By the second day, I was fine.  I had a blast.  We created so many memories and had so many good laughs, and I feel so proud of myself.  I never, not in a million years, thought I could have done that.

But I did.

And I feel more ready then ever.  

2013.

Hi guys!  I know, I know… It’s been a while.  Too long, perhaps.  But here I am, I’m back!  🙂  

I did it, everyone…  I graduated high school!  I never thought I would see the day where I could finally toss my cap in the air and run to my friends with open arms adorned in what could possibly be the most unflattering outfits ever, but it happened.  I made it through high school..barely.  😉  

And now that it’s all over, I can honestly say that every moment was entirely worth it- From the frustrating nights where I was buried in make up work due to my POTs induced absences, to the cheerful moments where I would feel great and invincible.  

My high school experience was completely unique compared to the average student’s.  While most teenagers were worrying about finding a ride to the party on saturday night, or if Jane was mad at them, I was faced with the struggle of hoping that I wouldn’t pass out when there was a fire drill, or worrying that at any moment I would lose feeling in my limbs or throw up.  But no matter the circumstances I went through, I made it.  I succeeded despite the obstacles thrown in my path, and because of my “unique high school experience”, I believe that I am even prouder of myself than I would have been if I hadn’t overcome such difficulties.  

I’ve grown so much these last four years -physically, emotionally, academically, and mentally- and it’s safe to say that I have grown for the better.  Looking back to where I was just a year ago makes me realize how much better of a place I am in right now.  And boy am I thankful for that.  

Goodbye High School, Hello Future!

 

Oh No, Another One of “Those” Posts

Warning: Rant Post Ahead! 😉 

Why don’t people understand?  I’m so frustrated with my peers, my friends, and just human beings in general.  I feel like there is no such thing as common sense to other people, or even just a bit of sensitivity.  I was told as I grew up to let unkind words simply roll off my back.  That they weren’t worth my time or energy, and that they are usually said out of ignorance or jealousy.  This concept always remains in the back of my mind while I endure the forceful strike of nescient words, yet somehow these muttered phrases continually breach my protective barrier.

Yes, I realize that I may be a teeny tiny bit sensitive, commonly letting upsetting situations replay in an infinite loop in my head every night.  I also realize that people don’t always have bad intentions behind their words.  With this being said, I still can not comprehend how some things get through people’s mental “filter”.

About a month ago I had a doctor’s appointment in which she decided to fill out some forms to help me apply for a handicap plaque.  (This is mainly to be used in the summer and at college next year where parking is horrendous and I would be forced to walk lengthy distances).  I went to the DMV and successfully obtained it.  It was a weird experience.  I walked past the mass amounts of grumpy people waiting for their number to be called, gripping my new handicap plaque close to my body, in an attempt to mask it.  It peeked through and I could feel the sharp stares of these strangers as they followed me with their eyes.  I could just imagine what they were thinking… “Why does she need that?  She looks perfectly healthy.”  “She can walk just fine, she doesn’t deserve that.”

I felt tremendous guilt and shame for obtaining something that is usually reserved for the elderly and people in wheel chairs.  For this reason, I vowed I would only use it when I absolutely HAD to, leaving the spaces for people worse off than I am.

This brings me to one day at school.  I wasn’t feeling well at all, and it has finally hit 100 degrees where I live.  I decided to park in the handicap at school for the first time, since no one ever parks there anyways.  I figured the extra steps saved by parking closer, would provide me some extra energy to perform well in school.

I pulled in and grabbed my backpack and started my trek to my classroom.  Next thing I know, I hear the sound of wheels blazing across the concrete toward me.  I hear a shout, “You wait right there!  Hey!  You!  Come back here!”  I turn around and see my school security guard speeding up to me in her golf cart (which I have yet to see her step foot out of).  “You parked in the handicap space.”, she informs me.  “Yes, I did.  I have a handicap plaque hanging in my window”, I reply.  She proceeds to curtly state that I was not handicapped and that she doubted me when I said I was and that I got it from my doctor. I’m horrible at handling situations where I am being confronted by authority, so I stuttered my way through an explanation of what POTs is, and why I need it on some days.  She gave me a smirk and sped off.  I stood there, hurt, and in awe at what just happened.  I slowly walked to my next class, (art, thankfully), and started to take my frustration out on my painting.  Next thing I knew, there were tears steaming down my face and falling on my paper, creating a tiny puddle that my classmates stared at.  I attempted to wipe my tears away discreetly and pass it off as allergies.  I had never felt so low, and I’m not exactly sure why this hit me so hard.

Just when I began to get over this, my friend asked me for a ride home.  I obliged, and she followed me out to my car.  This friend of mine has never been the most sensitive person, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when she expressed disapproval for my handicap parking.  “Why are you parked in the handicap spot?”  “My POTs, remember?”  “Oh.  But you’re not handicapped…  You don’t really need that.”  I again, tried to stutter my way through an explanation of my heat intolerance and how any energy saved is beneficial to me.  She blankly stared back at me, then looked down at her phone and texted in silence the whole way home.

I’m just sick of people jumping to conclusions and assuming that things come easily to me in life.  That I “cheat the system” and that I just take advantage of what I deal with to get special treatment.  Just this morning, I was talking to my friend  before school.  I told him I didn’t have a class until 4th period, and he asked why.  I told him about my POTs and his only response was, “Oh.  I wish I had something like that so I could sleep in and miss school.”

How I’ve felt lately…How do I get out of this slump?!

I guess that statement is what pushed me over the edge and “inspired” me, (for lack of a better word), to write this post.  I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this post sounds whiny or makes me come off as a “Negative Nancy”.  I just felt that I had to release my frustrations some how so I could carry on with my day as normal.  What better place to vent than to the people who understand what I’m going through better than anyone else?

Thank you so much, to each and every one of you.  You all really keep my going, your comments, your individual posts, your inspiring/motivational words; it really means more to me than any of you probably realize.  Love you, guys!  🙂 ❤

Inspiring Blogger Award! :)

A little while ago I experienced the honor of being nominated for the “Inspiring Blogger Award” by “belowtheradar002“.  I’m am so so grateful to even be considered amongst the list of great bloggers mentioned.  I can not express enough gratitude to Amanda and Katie for brightening my week!  Thanks girls!

The Official Rules of Acceptance are as follows:

• Display the Award Certificate on your website.
• Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented you with the award.
• Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers.
• Drop them a comment to tip them off after you have linked them in the post.
• Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

 

7 Interesting Things about me:

1. I’m only 4’11”, (AND 3/4 for your information!), and I’m 100% done growing.  This used to get to me since all my friends are basically model height.  I think I’m coming to terms with being the tiny one in my group.  😉

2. I’m half Chinese. I don’t look like it, but I love the fact that I have it mixed into me.  I grew up with the culture around me, yummy food included!  

3. I have two birds.  One is a parrotlet, whom I’ve had since I was 14.  Her name is Lulu and she loves to spend every second on my shoulder, day and night.  She’s a feisty one and she hates males… all my guy friends are terrified of her.  She has shown some amazing talents, and as corny as it sounds, has helped me get through this journey of mine.  I recall one particular night where I was sad and curled up in bed with tears streaming down my face.  I heard a rattling around in Lulu’s cage and was amazed when I felt her fly towards me.  She had managed to open her cage, swing the door open using her body weight, and fly to my bed where she waddled up to me and snuggled against my neck.  I’m not sure if she sensed my sadness or if she just wanted to play.  I like to think the first option went through her little birdy brain.  😉  This is what parrotlets look like, just to convey to you guys how cute they are…

My second bird, Tiki, is a sun conure.  She is a recent addition to my family.  I “adopted” her off of craigslist a few months ago with my Christmas money.  I don’t think her previous owners took the best care of her, as she is still a bit finicky and scared of everything.  Since I’ve owned her, she has quit plucking her feathers out in distress, and is starting to allow me to remove her from her cage.  She’s currently a baby, but when she’s grown her adult plumage, she’ll look like this: 

 

My friends call me the “bird lady”…

4. I don’t know if this falls under the “interesting” category, but my favorite movie of all time is the original “Grease”.  I remember one summer where I watched it at least 5 times a day.  When I was younger, I had a huuuuuuuuuge crush on John Travolta because of this movie.

5. I love art, especially painting.  I’m currently working on a portfolio to send in at the end of the year to gain an AP Art credit.  It is definitely something that I am passionate about and wish to improve on throughout my life.  One day, I hope to sell my artwork on the side of my profession.

6. I’m an animal lover and I know for a fact I would be 100 percent content if I were to become some sort of exotic zoo keeper.  (Though I know I would never due to my allergies.)  I have spent hours upon hours researching all the different species and watching youtube videos regarding their behavior.  Might as well delve deeper into my love of animals while I’m at it…  My favorite animal, by far, is the Asian Elephant.  Elephants are beautiful, majestic, and so incredibly intelligent.  Whenever I visit the zoo, I stare in amazement at these creatures.  They possess several human-like emotions, which just blows me away.  I also really like Belugas.  Mostly because they always look like they’re smiling.  And that makes me happy.  On a different note, I’m TERRIFIED of the ocean.  I can only go ankle-deep, and if I feel like something brushed against me, I freak out.  I think this stems from my countless hours of innocent research on the deep seas.  Too many freaky beings out there for my liking…

7. As of recently, I’ve had this crazy obsession with making lists.  Lists of things I love, things I hate, my favorite this, and my favorite that, etc..  This new hobby of mine was inspired by a friend of mine who does something similar.  I now have a good half of my notebook filled with random, mostly pointless lists.  But somehow it makes me feel accomplished and happy.  I actually used this post to make more lists in my notebook ha!  Sometimes an addictive personality can be fun!

Anyway, enough about myself.  Now for the people that this post is really for.  The bloggers who continue to inspire me each and everyday no matter what battle or struggle they face.  These bloggers provide me with creative ideas, motivating words, and helpful advice.  Each and every one of them deserves this award fully.  I can’t thank every. single. one of you enough for creating your blogs for people like me to read, and for…well…for existing!  

1. Life Sucks, So What?!?

2. Bored Sick 

3. Do I Look Sick?

4. Lethargic Smiles

5. Decimawho

6. Musings of a Dysautonomiac

7. Ok, So Far

8. Strength & Saltines

9. The Pillower

10. A Twisted Fantasy

11. Miks Hidden Hearts Alliance 

12. irishdysautonomia 

13. Rocking This Illness

14. My Everlasting Companion

15. Photographing POTs

 

I have some things to tell you all so I will blog again tomorrow!  

Thanks for the love and support.  I truly appreciate you all.

-Jenna 

This past week has been phenomenal. I’ve been on spring break, and let me tell you, it’s been great! Spring break to most teens equals going to the lake, or Cali, or some other crazy party road trip. But to me, spring break is that relief in the year that comes at the perfect time. It comes at that point where I just wanna quit. Spring break to me is my time to just sleep and sleep and sleep some more. My sleep debt has been repaid near fully, but I could always use more! 😉

There was only 2 days this past week where I woke up feeling woozy and with blurred vision. Today was one of them.

I woke up around 8 AM to help my dad with yard work (UGH). My asthma and allergies go crazy outside. I’m sure this didn’t help my POTs. I was absolutely winded and exhausted within 45 minutes. Thinking about it, that’s actually pretty sad for someone my age…

I went out to breakfast with my parents, came home and fell into a deep sleep on the couch despite it being broad daylight. Since this morning I’ve felt off all day. But I’ll take one really bad day with several perfect days over lots of kinda bad days anytime.

I’m having trouble focussing and thinking of the words to write this post. I think that’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately.

I feel like my brain fog mixed with Zoloft side effects has really messed with my attention span span and though process…

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my doc to see if adderall is an option for me. Anyone on it?

Also, does anyone take any sort of vitamins to help with their POTs effects? I’m thinking about taking some iron supplements as I am Anemic as well.

I would love some feedback!

-Jenna

The more heat that comes on where I live, the worse I feel. It’s going to be close to 90 degrees this weekend, and today I was dragging my feet walking to class.

For the past 2 weeks I have missed a ton of class and I’ve been waking up to the world spinning around me.

I have to admit it’s not all my POTs’ fault though.. I am to blame for some of it as well.

I’m extremely sensitive to my anxiety medication. Even an increment of 10mgs of it hits me hard. So me being stupid decided to stop taking it for a week. For that whole week I moped around the house feeling depressed and off. It wasn’t until I started having my panic attacks again that I decided that maybe, just maybe, I should go back on my medicine. (Duh, Jenna…).

I went back on it. But instead of slowly going back on, I immediately took the 100mgs that had taken me over a month to adapt to before. The next day I felt like everything was in slow motion and I was dizzy and nauseous.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that all of those symptoms subsided.

So if you can imagine my normal POTs symptoms, mixed with this.. Well let’s just say I was not a happy camper!

Anyway, I never ever drive when my symptoms come on. Especially when the double vision takes over. So my mom has been driving me to school and home. It makes me feel bad when I don’t feel well enough to drive and she has to take time out of her day to drive me.

In other news, I took the SATS on Saturday. I chose a different school this time to test at and thankfully it didn’t require me to stand in line for nearly as long! Afterwards I felt mentally and physically exhausted. I’m still feeling it, actually. Let’s cross our fingers that this is the last time I have to take it! I find out my scores in 2 weeks.

I also find out in two weeks if I made it into the college that I want so badly to get into. I’m afraid that all the days absent I’ve had because of my POTs has affected my grades in a way that they would reject me…

I guess I’ll just hope for the best!

Btw, do you guys feel worse in the morning or at another time of the day? I’m starting to dread waking up just to feel like I’m floating!

Love you all,
Jenna 🙂