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Change.

So my whole life I have hated, no, despised change. But it feels like ever since I went to college that nothing in my life has really remained constant. And surprisingly, I have handled it pretty well, all things considered. Having a history of severe anxiety, I honestly need to cut myself a little slack sometimes and realize just how far I have come. So, to give myself a little much-needed self-confidence boost, I will list some of the hurdles I have overcome in the past few years alone:

  • I can stay away from home for longer than a few hours now. Heck, I have my own apartment now. (But I still and always will love visiting home & have a strong desire to be there <3)
  • I was strong enough to break up with my high school sweetheart of 4 years and move forward with my life & now have a wonderful, compassionate, and handsome boyfriend of a year and a half.
  • I have been strong enough to cut toxic people from my life and seek out those who surround me with positivity and support
  • I got a job on campus and was promoted to being a supervisor within a few short months
  • I joined a social sorority (something I never thought I would do), and immersed myself in that lifestyle
  • I dropped said social sorority to seek out something that would provide me with more fulfillment personally
  • I joined a community service sorority where I knew absolutely nobody (mingling amongst a room full of girls you don’t know can be scary, guys!)
  • I ran for two board positions in my pledge class, and got one of them! (that means TWO speeches in front of everyone :o)
  • I can drive on the highway now instead of taking side streets everywhere (highways used to give my panic attacks-no joke)
  • I have started weightlifting and seeking out a healthier lifestyle
  • I have learned more about my body and how to manage POTs symptoms effectively

These are all things I can think of off the top of my head, and these are all things that seemed small in the moment but make me feel so so proud reading over them. Just a little over a year ago it seemed like everywhere I turned there was a thousand hurdles for me to jump over. Whether it be missing class and getting behind because of my POTs, having anxiety attacks in what should be non-anxiety inducing situations, or just simply growing older and maturing, I have been able to tackle the struggles-one hurdle at a time.

When I was finishing up high school and entering college I was terrified that my college experience wouldn’t be normal because of my POTs or anxiety, but now I am just about halfway through my Junior year and I certainly don’t feel left behind in anything. If any of you have any anxiety about college because of mental illness or chronic illness or just general questions about what it is like, then feel free to message me! I promise I will reply and give you the best advice I can possibly give. If I could get through it, then so can you! All it takes is a little bit of change.

By no means am I done tackling change and hardships in life, this is only the beginning, but having this list written here really makes me realize just how much I have accomplished and how far I have truly come. I know I’ve posted a lot tonight, (hello third post in an hour), but I feel like we all have a lot of catching up to do! Feel free to message me/comment with some updates about your life.

Goodnight Everybody,

Jenna

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Frustrations.

Unfortunately, I am the type of person who gets frustrated and irritated far too easily. I definitely notice on days where I don’t get enough sleep, (which is like always. I mean, who gets enough sleep in college?), that my POTs symptoms are way worse which makes me feel sad which makes me feel annoyed that I can’t be normal which makes my frustration snowball keep rolling and build and build upon itself. The good news is that I think I’ve gotten better at controlling my irritations, the bad news is I’m still not perfect at it. There are some days where I just snap-whether it be at my family, my boyfriend, or myself. I say things that I would rather I didn’t, or I roll my eyes when it is completely uncalled for. And this makes me sad when I reflect on it. If anyone has any tips to control expressing irritation in probably inappropriate ways then please let me know. I would love to do a little bit of self-improvement in this aspect of my life.

edit: As I’m reading this, I realize that it makes me seem a little bit like a moody, unpredictable teenager with an inability to control her emotions-but I assure you this is not the case… not completely at least! 😉

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Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

I don’t really know if anyone still reads my blog, but I am logging on now after not being on here for what feels like years. I’m reading all of these messages I didn’t realize that I had gotten from as long as a year ago from people reaching out to me asking for support and just looking for someone to talk to, and I feel like I have failed and lost my way as to why I started this blog in the first place. And for that, I’m sorry. 

My college life has been filled with learning experiences and plenty of ups and downs that I guess just overtook me and interfered with my consistent blogging. Lately I have been feeling a sense of needing to express myself and connect with other people, (whether they have chronic illnesses or not), and I think that I need to utilize this blog to the best of my ability. I’m going to try to do this, and probably now with new perspectives and things to take away from life in general. I hope you all are willing to let me back into this community, because I sure do miss you all.

-Jenna

There are some days that I feel so indecisive that I just want to break down and cry.  Today was one of those days.  I have no clue why this happens to me, but I notice it happens on days that I’m more anxious and in the days preceding that time of the month.  

 

I was at the mall today and was trying to decide which underwear I wanted to buy.  I stood there and stared at all of my options for a good 15 minutes before finally deciding.  And even when I decided, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was content with my decision.  

Before I went to the mall, I felt frustrated deciding what to wear, and when I got there I wanted to tear my hair out trying to decide what I wanted to eat.  

Later on, I had to change for a date I had.  My mom had to help me pick out my outfit otherwise I would have sat on my floor in my towel and cried instead.  

I have NO clue why this happens to me.  I feel so frustrated even thinking about this.  When I’m trying to make a decision on days like this I get so irritable, and my head hurts and feels like there is a ton of pressure building up inside of me.  

 

Does anyone know why this happens?  Or at least, does this happen to anyone else?  

Forever indecisive, 

Jenna 

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Wow. It’s been so long since I have written, and I just went through and reread all of the comments that you guys have posted. You all are really just amazing. Absolutely amazing. I miss communicating with you all.

Well. The day has come. I just finished up my first semester of college. I can’t believe it’s all already over. So many things have changed with me, and here I was thinking things would remain constant even in college.

Things have been up and down, and college has been one giant adjustment. Attending university with POTs is no easy feat, and I’m so thankful to have been able to get through it and to have survived it all!

At times my illness got in my way, and proved to be a huge obstacle that I had to find my way around, and yet at other times, my illness made me see things in a whole new light. I learned so much more than academics this past semester.

I learned to really live it up on those days that I feel good. To get out there and be active in my college community, and to meet all the fantastic people that inhabit it.

I learned fast how quickly falling behind in college can happen. Everything that felt fast in high school has triple the magnitude in college. Missing one day can really put you in a rut.

I learned that in order to meet all of the unique individuals that make up a university, all you have to do is get out of your room once in a while and overcome any judgmental tendencies. There are wonderful people at every turn. And you never know when you’ll meet your new best friend. So many of my friends from high school are having a miserable time in college because they refuse to leave their room.

I learned that the freshman 15 is a real thing. A very real thing.

I learned that what and who you thought you were passionate about, can change in the blink of an eye.

And finally, I learned how to be independent.

I went through a lot of changes this semester. I did some stupid things, and I did some absolutely wonderful things. None of which I regret. Some of the people I never thought would stick by my side, ended up being the people I turn to most. And those that I so foolishly assumed would always be there for me, aren’t a part of my life anymore. Things change, and life goes on. As I work through this struggle of moving on in my life with obstacles (like my POTs) thrown at me, I will continue constantly changing and learning new things. All of this for the better.

I will have a lot of free time on my hands since I will be home from school for a month. I can’t wait to catch up with all of you and fill you in on my life thus far.

Until next time,
Jenna ❤

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Rummaging Through My Thoughts

Dear Diary,

What am I supposed to do? What does everyone want from me? I feel like I’m constantly treading with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I try… I try so, so hard. I try to please people and I try to please myself. There really is no perfect balance, is there?

Or maybe it’s not everyone else. Maybe the issue is me. After all, there has to be some sort of factor to my many failed friendships. Why don’t girls like me? All I want is that novel best friend. The one who I can call at 3 in the morning and she’ll come over with ice cream and movies.

Somehow every friendship that I think is going to work just crashes and burns.

Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure.

My friends don’t seem to get it. I put in so much effort despite how crappy I feel on a daily basis.

If I put in effort to see how you’re feeling, the least you can do is respond to me. I’m getting fed up with people like you.

I can rise above and realize that I’m not the only one with problems. I do my best to reach out and help you. It’s time for you to step up and realize the world isn’t out to get you and you’re not alone in your issues.

The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

I’m done trying to make everyone happy. I need to focus on myself for a while.

It’s time to cut toxic people out of my life.

I’ll Write Later,
Jenna

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Exercise

I need to workout. My doctor says core workouts would improve my health a ton, especially with my POTs. He says that it will help blood flow where it’s supposed to be, but of course I have intolerance to physical activities…

What do you guys do to workout? I’m completely lost here. Everything I try makes me feel sick. 😦

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Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!  Holidays always have me waking up feeling excited for the day that follows.  🙂

I usually go down to the town lake with a group of friends for the fireworks and festival they hold every year, but it just wasn’t happening for me this year.  I’m okay with that though.  I didn’t want the same events as the past years to play out this year, so I decided to take it easy and relax instead.

I remember 2 years ago (prior to my diagnosis), I went to the town lake with my friends and walked around the outdoor concert and food stands.  I felt that heat beating down on me and I chugged water down in an attempt to feel better.  We laid out on a blanket in the grass, and I remember everything being wavy and my head feeling light.  My friends thought I might need to eat a bit, so we went to wait in the insanely long lines.  I stood in that line for about 15 minutes, and right when I was the next one up to order, my stomach started churning and I ran to the side behind a boulder and threw up and dry heaved.  I collapsed to the ground, and my friends came running over to me and called my parents.  I had to go home before the fireworks even started.

Looking back on it, these are all my symptoms of a “POTs attack”.  I didn’t know it at the time, and I remember feeling incredibly frustrated.

Last year was similar, so I decided to lay low this 4th.  My wonderful friends and cousin came by the condo I’m staying at currently and we made bracelets and watched some fireworks for a few minutes from the balcony.  Then we watched “How I Met Your Mother” and gave each other life advice and shared some laughs.

Don’t worry, I still had some USA spirit!  I wore red, white, and blue from head to toe.  🙂

Hope everyone is doing alright and had an exciting and safe 4th of July!

XOXO,

Jenna

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