Vyvanse.

The hunt for the perfect dosage is on again. It’s time to go up (hopefully for the last time) on my Vyvanse (aka slow-releasing adderall).

Please let this be my number.

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Exercise

I need to workout. My doctor says core workouts would improve my health a ton, especially with my POTs. He says that it will help blood flow where it’s supposed to be, but of course I have intolerance to physical activities…

What do you guys do to workout? I’m completely lost here. Everything I try makes me feel sick. ūüė¶

Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July! ¬†Holidays always have me waking up feeling excited for the day that follows. ¬†ūüôā

I usually go down to the town lake with a group of friends for the fireworks and festival they hold every year, but it just wasn’t happening for me this year. ¬†I’m okay with that though. ¬†I didn’t want the same events as the past years to play out this year, so I decided to take it easy and relax instead.

I remember 2 years ago (prior to my diagnosis), I went to the town lake with my friends and walked around the outdoor concert and food stands.  I felt that heat beating down on me and I chugged water down in an attempt to feel better.  We laid out on a blanket in the grass, and I remember everything being wavy and my head feeling light.  My friends thought I might need to eat a bit, so we went to wait in the insanely long lines.  I stood in that line for about 15 minutes, and right when I was the next one up to order, my stomach started churning and I ran to the side behind a boulder and threw up and dry heaved.  I collapsed to the ground, and my friends came running over to me and called my parents.  I had to go home before the fireworks even started.

Looking back on it, these are all my symptoms of a “POTs attack”. ¬†I didn’t know it at the time, and I remember feeling incredibly¬†frustrated.

Last year was similar, so I decided to lay low this 4th. ¬†My wonderful friends and cousin came by the condo I’m staying at currently and we made bracelets and watched some fireworks for a few minutes from the balcony. ¬†Then we watched “How I Met Your Mother” and gave each other life advice and shared some laughs.

Don’t worry, I still had some USA spirit! ¬†I wore red, white, and blue from head to toe. ¬†ūüôā

Hope everyone is doing alright and had an exciting and safe 4th of July!

XOXO,

Jenna

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With every day that passes, it all feels

With every day that passes, it all feels more and more real. ¬†It wasn’t so long ago that I was sitting in my elementary school hallway with my best friend, having my father read “Clifford, The Big Red Dog” to us. ¬†We would beg him to stay longer, even though we were supposed to head back to class, and he would find a nice spot around the corner to read one more book to us. ¬†

And it feels like just yesterday that same girl and I were stuck in traffic exiting the Taylor Swift concert, talking about how in just a few months, we would be officially college students.  I remember we looked at each other in silence, and just shook our heads in disbelief.  

I have registered for classes, chosen my major, and have gone through every advising I could possibly go through. ¬†I even have been assigned my dorm room and hall. ¬†It’s all moving so rapidly; I don’t even have time to soak it in. ¬†

A few months ago, I had decided that I wasn’t going to live on campus. ¬†But after long discussions, tear fests, and late-night racking of my brain, I have come to the firm decision to at least¬†try to¬†live on campus. ¬†I mean, I am provided with the best dorms on campus at Barrett. ¬†I got registered with the¬†Disability¬†Resource Center and they have done and will continue to do incredible things to help me feel at ease throughout my college¬†experience. ¬†They even put me in my very own room so that I can relax and cool down when I’m not feeling all there. ¬†And even better, I share a bathroom with my best friend, and she will always be willing to lend a hand on those days. ¬†

Things seem to be falling in place, we went shopping for decor and had no issues deciding on a color scheme, we’re both the same major, and I actually think I’ve gotten some great professors. ¬†

But my God… I’m nervous. ¬†

I’ve never been good with being away from home, and more specifically, from my mother.

It has been something I’ve struggled with for my entire life, and probably will continue to for the rest of it. ¬†There is no doubt that I improve with every single day that passes, but I hate change. Especially change that involves being away from her and home. ¬†

This whole summer I have been working on being away from her and home, just to try and adjust for University. ¬†(This is partially why I have been MIA lately). ¬†I’ve been staying at my cousin’s condo while he is out of town frequently (where I am right now), and I have been staying at friends’ houses as well. ¬†These, though seemingly simple-sounding, are HUGE hurdles for me to have overcome. ¬†It wasn’t too long ago that I could barely spend a full day away, let alone upwards a week.

But last week I took the plunge.  I never thought it would be that hard.  My boyfriend and I decided to travel to San Diego for 4 days and 3 nights.  I was so excited and not nervous at all. After all, close to nobody calms my nerves like him.  

We drove there with no issues, and we hit mission beach and laughed and ate and simply had a blast. ¬†But then as evening fell, and we hit those California Highways, tears started streaming down my face. ¬†They wouldn’t stop. ¬†Nothing I did worked, and it hasn’t felt that bad since I was younger. ¬†Not even Zach could calm me. ¬†We got to the wonderful hotel and I curled up in a ball and sobbed for hours. ¬†I felt horrible for being such a downer, which only made me sob more. ¬†I was panicking and hyperventilating. ¬†I called my mom and we talked for a while until I calmed down. ¬†In my mind I just kept thinking, “I wanna go home. ¬†Please let me go home. ¬†I can’t do this. ¬†I’m not ready. ¬†College isn’t right for me, I can’t move out.” ¬†

I felt better for a little and then it started again.  This was the cycle for the entire night.  

But I got through it.

It was sadly one of the hardest things I ever had to do. ¬†But it was also one of the only times I really forced myself to do something I didn’t want to go through with. ¬†By the second day, I was fine. ¬†I had a blast. ¬†We created so many memories and had so many good laughs, and I feel so proud of myself. ¬†I never, not in a million years, thought I could have done that.

But I did.

And I feel more ready then ever.  

2013.

Hi guys! ¬†I know, I know… It’s been a while. ¬†Too long, perhaps. ¬†But here I am, I’m back! ¬†ūüôā ¬†

I did it, everyone… ¬†I graduated high school! ¬†I never thought I would see the day where I could finally toss my cap in the air and run to my friends with open arms adorned in what could possibly be the most unflattering outfits ever, but it happened. ¬†I made it through high school..barely. ¬†ūüėČ ¬†

And now that it’s all over, I can honestly say that every moment was entirely worth it- From the¬†frustrating nights where I was buried in make up work due to my POTs induced absences, to the cheerful moments where I would feel great and invincible. ¬†

My high school¬†experience¬†was completely unique compared to the average student’s. ¬†While most teenagers were worrying about finding a ride to the party on saturday night, or if Jane was mad at them, I was faced with the struggle of hoping that I wouldn’t pass out when there was a fire drill, or worrying that at any moment I would lose feeling in my limbs or throw up. ¬†But no matter the circumstances I went through, I made it. ¬†I succeeded despite the obstacles thrown in my path, and because of my “unique high school¬†experience”, I believe that I am even prouder of myself than I would have been if I hadn’t overcome such difficulties. ¬†

I’ve grown so much these last four years -physically, emotionally, academically, and mentally- and it’s safe to say that I have grown for the better. ¬†Looking back to where I was just a year ago makes me realize how much better of a place I am in right now. ¬†And boy am I thankful for that. ¬†

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Goodbye High School, Hello Future!

 

Oh No, Another One of “Those” Posts

Warning: Rant Post Ahead! ūüėȬ†

Why don’t people understand? ¬†I’m so frustrated with my peers, my friends, and just human beings in general. ¬†I feel like there is no such thing as common sense to other people, or even just a bit of sensitivity. ¬†I was told as I grew up to let unkind words simply roll off my back. ¬†That they weren’t worth my time or energy, and that they are usually said out of ignorance or jealousy. ¬†This concept always remains in the back of my mind while I endure the forceful strike of nescient words, yet somehow these muttered phrases continually breach my protective barrier.

Yes, I realize that I may be a teeny tiny bit sensitive, commonly letting upsetting situations replay in an infinite loop in my head every night. ¬†I also realize that people don’t always have bad intentions behind their words. ¬†With this being said, I still can not comprehend how some things get through people’s mental “filter”.

About a month ago I had a doctor’s appointment in which she decided to fill out some forms to help me apply for a handicap plaque. ¬†(This is mainly to be used in the summer and at college next year where parking is horrendous and I would be forced to walk lengthy distances). ¬†I went to the DMV and successfully obtained it. ¬†It was a weird experience. ¬†I walked past the mass amounts of grumpy people waiting for their number to be called, gripping my new handicap plaque close to my body, in an attempt to mask it. ¬†It peeked through and I could feel the sharp stares of these strangers as they followed me with their eyes. ¬†I could just imagine what they were thinking… “Why does she need that? ¬†She looks perfectly healthy.” ¬†“She can walk just fine, she doesn’t deserve that.”

I felt tremendous guilt and shame for obtaining something that is usually reserved for the elderly and people in wheel chairs.  For this reason, I vowed I would only use it when I absolutely HAD to, leaving the spaces for people worse off than I am.

This brings me to one day at school. ¬†I wasn’t feeling well at all, and it has finally hit 100 degrees where I live. ¬†I decided to park in the handicap at school for the first time, since no one ever parks there anyways. ¬†I figured the extra steps saved by parking closer, would provide me some extra energy to perform well in school.

I pulled in and grabbed my backpack and started my trek to my classroom. ¬†Next thing I know, I hear the sound of wheels blazing across the concrete toward me. ¬†I hear a shout, “You wait right there! ¬†Hey! ¬†You! ¬†Come back here!” ¬†I turn around and see my school security guard speeding up to me in her golf cart (which I have yet to see her step foot out of). ¬†“You parked in the handicap space.”, she informs me. ¬†“Yes, I did. ¬†I have a handicap plaque hanging in my window”, I reply. ¬†She proceeds to curtly state that I was not handicapped and that she doubted me when I said I was and that I got it from my doctor. I’m horrible at handling situations where I am being confronted by authority, so I stuttered my way through an explanation of what POTs is, and why I need it on some days. ¬†She gave me a smirk and sped off. ¬†I stood there, hurt, and in awe at what just happened. ¬†I slowly walked to my next class, (art, thankfully), and started to take my frustration out on my painting. ¬†Next thing I knew, there were tears steaming down my face and falling on my paper, creating a tiny puddle that my classmates stared at. ¬†I attempted to wipe my tears away discreetly and pass it off as allergies. ¬†I had never felt so low, and I’m not exactly sure why this hit me so hard.

Just when I began to get over this, my friend asked me for a ride home. ¬†I obliged, and she followed me out to my car. ¬†This friend of mine has never been the most sensitive person, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when she expressed disapproval for my handicap parking. ¬†“Why are you parked in the handicap spot?” ¬†“My POTs, remember?” ¬†“Oh. ¬†But you’re not handicapped… ¬†You don’t really need that.” ¬†I again, tried to stutter my way through an explanation of my heat intolerance and how any energy saved is beneficial to me. ¬†She blankly stared back at me, then looked down at her phone and texted in silence the whole way home.

I’m just sick of people jumping to conclusions and assuming that things come easily to me in life. ¬†That I “cheat the system” and that I just take advantage of what I deal with to get special treatment. ¬†Just this morning, I was talking to my friend ¬†before school. ¬†I told him I didn’t have a class until 4th period, and he asked why. ¬†I told him about my POTs and his only response was, “Oh. ¬†I wish I had something like that so I could sleep in and miss school.”

How I’ve felt lately…How do I get out of this slump?!

I guess that statement is what pushed me over the edge and “inspired” me, (for lack of a better word), to write this post. ¬†I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this post sounds whiny or makes me come off as a “Negative Nancy”. ¬†I just felt that I had to release my frustrations some how so I could carry on with my day as normal. ¬†What better place to vent than to the people who understand what I’m going through better than anyone else?

Thank you so much, to each and every one of you. ¬†You all really keep my going, your comments, your individual posts, your inspiring/motivational words; it really means more to me than any of you probably realize. ¬†Love you, guys! ¬†ūüôā ‚̧

This past week has been phenomenal. I’ve been on spring break, and let me tell you, it’s been great! Spring break to most teens equals going to the lake, or Cali, or some other crazy party road trip. But to me, spring break is that relief in the year that comes at the perfect time. It comes at that point where I just wanna quit. Spring break to me is my time to just sleep and sleep and sleep some more. My sleep debt has been repaid near fully, but I could always use more! ūüėČ

There was only 2 days this past week where I woke up feeling woozy and with blurred vision. Today was one of them.

I woke up around 8 AM to help my dad with yard work (UGH). My asthma and allergies go crazy outside. I’m sure this didn’t help my POTs. I was absolutely winded and exhausted within 45 minutes. Thinking about it, that’s actually pretty sad for someone my age…

I went out to breakfast with my parents, came home and fell into a deep sleep on the couch despite it being broad daylight. Since this morning I’ve felt off all day. But I’ll take one really bad day with several perfect days over lots of kinda bad days anytime.

I’m having trouble focussing and thinking of the words to write this post. I think that’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately.

I feel like my brain fog mixed with Zoloft side effects has really messed with my attention span span and though process…

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my doc to see if adderall is an option for me. Anyone on it?

Also, does anyone take any sort of vitamins to help with their POTs effects? I’m thinking about taking some iron supplements as I am Anemic as well.

I would love some feedback!

-Jenna