Rummaging Through My Thoughts

Dear Diary,

What am I supposed to do? What does everyone want from me? I feel like I’m constantly treading with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I try… I try so, so hard. I try to please people and I try to please myself. There really is no perfect balance, is there?

Or maybe it’s not everyone else. Maybe the issue is me. After all, there has to be some sort of factor to my many failed friendships. Why don’t girls like me? All I want is that novel best friend. The one who I can call at 3 in the morning and she’ll come over with ice cream and movies.

Somehow every friendship that I think is going to work just crashes and burns.

Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure.

My friends don’t seem to get it. I put in so much effort despite how crappy I feel on a daily basis.

If I put in effort to see how you’re feeling, the least you can do is respond to me. I’m getting fed up with people like you.

I can rise above and realize that I’m not the only one with problems. I do my best to reach out and help you. It’s time for you to step up and realize the world isn’t out to get you and you’re not alone in your issues.

The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

I’m done trying to make everyone happy. I need to focus on myself for a while.

It’s time to cut toxic people out of my life.

I’ll Write Later,

Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!  Holidays always have me waking up feeling excited for the day that follows.  🙂

I usually go down to the town lake with a group of friends for the fireworks and festival they hold every year, but it just wasn’t happening for me this year.  I’m okay with that though.  I didn’t want the same events as the past years to play out this year, so I decided to take it easy and relax instead.

I remember 2 years ago (prior to my diagnosis), I went to the town lake with my friends and walked around the outdoor concert and food stands.  I felt that heat beating down on me and I chugged water down in an attempt to feel better.  We laid out on a blanket in the grass, and I remember everything being wavy and my head feeling light.  My friends thought I might need to eat a bit, so we went to wait in the insanely long lines.  I stood in that line for about 15 minutes, and right when I was the next one up to order, my stomach started churning and I ran to the side behind a boulder and threw up and dry heaved.  I collapsed to the ground, and my friends came running over to me and called my parents.  I had to go home before the fireworks even started.

Looking back on it, these are all my symptoms of a “POTs attack”.  I didn’t know it at the time, and I remember feeling incredibly frustrated.

Last year was similar, so I decided to lay low this 4th.  My wonderful friends and cousin came by the condo I’m staying at currently and we made bracelets and watched some fireworks for a few minutes from the balcony.  Then we watched “How I Met Your Mother” and gave each other life advice and shared some laughs.

Don’t worry, I still had some USA spirit!  I wore red, white, and blue from head to toe.  🙂

Hope everyone is doing alright and had an exciting and safe 4th of July!