Warning: Rant Post Ahead! 😉
Why don’t people understand? I’m so frustrated with my peers, my friends, and just human beings in general. I feel like there is no such thing as common sense to other people, or even just a bit of sensitivity. I was told as I grew up to let unkind words simply roll off my back. That they weren’t worth my time or energy, and that they are usually said out of ignorance or jealousy. This concept always remains in the back of my mind while I endure the forceful strike of nescient words, yet somehow these muttered phrases continually breach my protective barrier.
Yes, I realize that I may be a teeny tiny bit sensitive, commonly letting upsetting situations replay in an infinite loop in my head every night. I also realize that people don’t always have bad intentions behind their words. With this being said, I still can not comprehend how some things get through people’s mental “filter”.
About a month ago I had a doctor’s appointment in which she decided to fill out some forms to help me apply for a handicap plaque. (This is mainly to be used in the summer and at college next year where parking is horrendous and I would be forced to walk lengthy distances). I went to the DMV and successfully obtained it. It was a weird experience. I walked past the mass amounts of grumpy people waiting for their number to be called, gripping my new handicap plaque close to my body, in an attempt to mask it. It peeked through and I could feel the sharp stares of these strangers as they followed me with their eyes. I could just imagine what they were thinking… “Why does she need that? She looks perfectly healthy.” “She can walk just fine, she doesn’t deserve that.”
I felt tremendous guilt and shame for obtaining something that is usually reserved for the elderly and people in wheel chairs. For this reason, I vowed I would only use it when I absolutely HAD to, leaving the spaces for people worse off than I am.
This brings me to one day at school. I wasn’t feeling well at all, and it has finally hit 100 degrees where I live. I decided to park in the handicap at school for the first time, since no one ever parks there anyways. I figured the extra steps saved by parking closer, would provide me some extra energy to perform well in school.
I pulled in and grabbed my backpack and started my trek to my classroom. Next thing I know, I hear the sound of wheels blazing across the concrete toward me. I hear a shout, “You wait right there! Hey! You! Come back here!” I turn around and see my school security guard speeding up to me in her golf cart (which I have yet to see her step foot out of). “You parked in the handicap space.”, she informs me. “Yes, I did. I have a handicap plaque hanging in my window”, I reply. She proceeds to curtly state that I was not handicapped and that she doubted me when I said I was and that I got it from my doctor. I’m horrible at handling situations where I am being confronted by authority, so I stuttered my way through an explanation of what POTs is, and why I need it on some days. She gave me a smirk and sped off. I stood there, hurt, and in awe at what just happened. I slowly walked to my next class, (art, thankfully), and started to take my frustration out on my painting. Next thing I knew, there were tears steaming down my face and falling on my paper, creating a tiny puddle that my classmates stared at. I attempted to wipe my tears away discreetly and pass it off as allergies. I had never felt so low, and I’m not exactly sure why this hit me so hard.
Just when I began to get over this, my friend asked me for a ride home. I obliged, and she followed me out to my car. This friend of mine has never been the most sensitive person, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when she expressed disapproval for my handicap parking. “Why are you parked in the handicap spot?” “My POTs, remember?” “Oh. But you’re not handicapped… You don’t really need that.” I again, tried to stutter my way through an explanation of my heat intolerance and how any energy saved is beneficial to me. She blankly stared back at me, then looked down at her phone and texted in silence the whole way home.
I’m just sick of people jumping to conclusions and assuming that things come easily to me in life. That I “cheat the system” and that I just take advantage of what I deal with to get special treatment. Just this morning, I was talking to my friend before school. I told him I didn’t have a class until 4th period, and he asked why. I told him about my POTs and his only response was, “Oh. I wish I had something like that so I could sleep in and miss school.”
I guess that statement is what pushed me over the edge and “inspired” me, (for lack of a better word), to write this post. I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this post sounds whiny or makes me come off as a “Negative Nancy”. I just felt that I had to release my frustrations some how so I could carry on with my day as normal. What better place to vent than to the people who understand what I’m going through better than anyone else?
Thank you so much, to each and every one of you. You all really keep my going, your comments, your individual posts, your inspiring/motivational words; it really means more to me than any of you probably realize. Love you, guys! 🙂 ❤